Jillian Leonard, Website Manager
You may have noticed the Wi-Fi on campus has been extremely slow, especially at night. Some have thought it could be due to everyone studying or watching TV at the same time.
One frustrated student, who wishes to remain anonymous, complained, “I’ve been trying to do research for my homework assignments and none of the pages will load! It’s so annoying to anyone doing their homework last minute. Sometimes when I’m going stir-crazy over my assignments, I like to watch Netflix or Disney Plus, but it always comes out pixelated, and not because it’s being censored, either that, or it never loads all the way. How am I supposed to relax in my own dorm if my basic needs aren’t met?”
Countless reports of this inconvenience have been received by Saint Martin’s Integrated Technology Services (ITS).
“It’s quite baffling,” said an unnamed ITS employee. “There’s only about 600 students living on campus and the Wi-Fi is always backlogged. I can’t seem to understand why. We should be looking at what our students are doing to make the internet so slow, but we figured, we already introduced an acceptable use policy, so this certainly shouldn’t have anything to do with students watching porn at night. The students can’t possibly be going against our policy. I mean, it’s a Catholic Benedictine Institution! They’re innocent children of God!”
Many students have contemplated the reasons behind the issue and have found that it only slows down from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m., right around the time the noise complaints for the moving furniture have started.
A Saint Martin’s third-year student mentioned, “I have a suitemate who is a baseball player, and even though a bathroom separates us, I can hear what goes on in their room and they’re definitely not sneaky about it. Let’s say the baseball players are hitting with smaller sticks, if you catch my drift.”
A freshman resident commented on the issue: “After the lights are turned off, I hear a certain intro music play from my roommate’s side of the room every night like he’s watching the same movie over and over again. It sounds so familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it. I think it might be that Pornhub jingle that always plays at the start of a new video.”
SaintsCare, a single contact point for reaching out to students in need of support for any reason, has revealed that more reports were submitted based on behavioral concerns, involving aggression of students living on campus.
A Care Coordinator revealed, “A lot of these concerns are coming from students who see their friends or roommates expressing frustration at the drop of a hat. These students are just now experiencing new freedom and independence on top of their hormones getting out of hand due to stress. They don’t know what to do or how to deal with it. The slow internet can’t be helpful since the most common self-care routine students report doing is watching a certain type of video during their free time.”
In a school-wide email, ITS Help Desk wrote, “You may notice a change to the WiFi in the dorms. There is a new network you can connect to, SMU-5Ghz… If you are noticing poor performance on the regular SMU network, try the new SMU-5Ghz. It may provide a better WiFi experience.”
Adding a second Wi-Fi to campus will allow students to coexist peacefully by studying or watching videos independently without any lag. ITS also mentioned in a later email that they offer free services to Saint Martin’s students such as computer repair and protection from viruses (the electronic kind, otherwise see the health center for more information), or malware one might get from unsavory websites.
After the addition of the 5 GHz Wi-Fi, students have been reporting lower stress levels and experience happier moods and greater arm strength more than normal. Baseball coaches noted the pitchers have been benefitting from the correlated muscular growth in their right hands.
“Before ITS added that second Wi-Fi, my roommate was constantly annoyed that she couldn’t watch her nightly videos and she was irritated all the time.”
Another freshman resident mentioned, “But now, she’s so nice and calm that she makes sandwiches for me just because.”
Many faculty have reported higher grades from students since the network addition, and applaud ITS for a successful solution.
One professor added, “We decided the best way to support the students was to put their personal and academic needs before the preferences of a religious campus.”