Online classes cause students to take up day drinking

Mikaela Hobson, Layout Manager


With Saint Martin’s University entering its third week of online classes, some students have taken up questionable habits. 

According to a senior student named Craig: “All of this time at home off campus, staring at the computer for hours, has led me to take up drinking. I mean there isn’t much else to do and there’s definitely not a no alcohol policy at my house.” 

Some students have said that the start of zoom classes is a return to fun, old times. According to another senior named Valerie: “I haven’t had this much fun since they closed the Saints Saloon last semester. Now I don’t have to wait until the end of the day to go over there and start drinking, I can just start when my professor takes attendance for my 10:00 a.m. class – we all know what those students with their muted video are doing.” 

The emphasis on day drinking during online classes has led some to wonder what the financials of zoom are. 

According to a Saint Martin’s finance professor who wishes to remain anonymous: “Most people don’t realize it, but Zoom is a subsidiary corporation of Anheuser-Busch, which itself is a part of the parent company AB InBev. And boy their stock is soaring right now! I loaded up on shares when this whole thing started because I knew people would be at home webinar-ing and getting drunk all day (sic). I’ve even started to mail free cases of bud light to my students for all of my classes, just to help them get through the day.”

This move has had a serious issue for attendance in afternoon and evening classes. According to a statement from the Registrar’s Office: “Attendance seems to be dropping for all classes that start at 2:00 p.m. or later in the day. It appears to be all but absent for evening classes starting at 5 p.m. We’ve also observed that a new class called “Zoom Daily Happy Hour,” seems to be attracting a lot of students between 5:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m. every day. We aren’t quite sure what students are learning in this class, but we are happy to give them credit for it because they are spending a lot of time in it, and according to Student Financial Services, they are spending a lot of money on it too.