Saint Martin’s acceptance rate hits 103 percent

Shallot 103Mikaela Hobson, Layout Manager


Saint Martin University’s undergraduate acceptance rate is reported to be 103 percent for the 2020-2021 academic year, according to new statistics released by the school. The university recently adopted a new admissions approach as part of its strategic plan to combat enrollment problems stemming from COVID-19.

According to an anonymous official in the administration, “Our strategy is simple. We can send acceptance letters to prospective students and then they will accept without filling out an application. It’s that easy! I mean who wants to fill out a stupid college application anyway? That’s scary, and with so many threats coming at us these days, we just need to relax, practice self care, and be accepted by everyone and everything, including universities.”

Some students have a slightly different view of the new admissions tactic. According to one incoming freshman student: “I don’t really see it as ‘avoiding an application,’ the letter they sent me basically says that I’m required to attend Saint Martin’s University. I have no idea how or why, but I guess it works. It’s sort of like they cast a spell on me I guess. Hey, they gave me a good scholarship, so my parents want me to go there.”

Along with changing its tactics, administration has also changed the requirements for receiving an academic scholarship at the university. The new scholarship format completely cuts out the lower level scholarships, making the only two available – the President’s and Chancellor’s. Because of this, the President’s scholarship is granted to anyone with a score of 400 or higher on the SAT, or anyone who took the ACT, and a minimum 1.5 GPA. Comparatively, the Chancellor’s scholarship will be provided to anyone with a score of 600 or higher on the SAT, and a minimum 2.0 GPA.

According to the same administrator: “This is just a perfectly normal thing to be doing. I mean, heck, at The Evergreen State College their acceptance rate is like 137 percent; and there’s an important distinction. Students who are a part of our involuntary attendance program will end up liking the university and staying, according to our consultant’s research. Can the same be said of Evergreen? Absolutely not; people are darting away from that place as fast as you can run in Birkenstocks.”

Receiving involuntary offers from universities is well on its way to becoming a national trend.

According to another incoming freshman: “These involuntary offers remind me so much of when I get preapproved for a credit card. Those things come through all the time, and I just keep getting thousands of dollars more to spend. Maybe I can put my tuition next year on one of those new preapproved credit cards? That would sort of kill two birds with one stone.”