Saint Martin’s University spends millions on awning

Eric Parks, Managing Editor


In a recent unsurprising move by Saint Martin’s University’s administration, several millions in funds will be re-allocated to purchase another large, metal awning. The cost of the awning is estimated to be a whopping $2.7 million. The purpose of the awning is not yet decided, and one member of the administration informed The Shallot that a desired purpose for the awning is not necessary.

“When we built the tennis courts, I suppose we thought more people were going to use them. It is now clear that very few people use these courts, and we don’t even have a tennis team. We could get a tennis team, but why would we do that? The big metal roof over the courts looks fantastic, and we need to build more that look just like it. It really adds to the beauty of the Saint Martin’s University campus. On behalf of the administration, I pledge to do everything in our power to make sure we get as many of these around campus as possible.”

One potential use for these awnings could be to cover benches or even outdoor classrooms. When challenged about whether the awning was enough to keep the area dry during times of high wind and rainfall, another representative of the administration had a surprising answer.

“Yeah, we wouldn’t actually intend on anyone using the space, just like how the tennis courts are hardly ever used. We’re going to try to build these over the pocket gopher’s territory so they can have a little cover. Promising a roofed picnic area or an outdoor classroom is just our way of getting people to be more okay with using tuition money foolishly and uselessly.”

Beverly Posey, a senior, and leader of the SMU Protect the Pocket Gophers Club said, “Protecting these gophers is vitally important. They are an endangered species and we need to do what we can to make sure that they are covered by an awning. It’s the least we can do. At least I think that is why they built the awning? No one here plays tennis, so that certainly can’t be it.” Another student, named Karen Long, speaking about the new awning said, “I think it is really important that we invest our resources into creating outdoor classrooms. Being outside is an important element of self-care. And even if no classes are actually held outside, or if no outdoor classroom even exists, knowing that they tried makes me feel good and that’s all that matters to millenials like me.”

Curious to find out about the usage of our tennis courts, The Shallot interviewed a few students for their observations. 

Joe Schmo, a junior, stated that “I just saw for the first time someone use the tennis courts. In nearly five full semesters, I had never seen that before! It’s a beautiful building, so I’m glad the school invested so many resources in it, but I was unaware that people actually made use out of it. I had to stop and watch them play for a few minutes out of awe.”

Jill McNugget, a freshman, has actually found plenty of use out of these courts.

“Oh, I don’t play tennis. I love to draw, however, and the courts are a beautiful sight. I sincerely hope the school builds more of these outdoor metal roofs around campus. Worth every penny, and I will be able to add to my collection of drawings focusing on useless buildings.”